Time for some humor.......

I'm taking a break from all of the depressing news and posting some jokes/humor. Some of these may be a bit off color.
---------------------------
US Air Force Maintenance
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."Solution: "It does now."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
--------------------------------

This is allegedly a true story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting, according to the newspaper account.
From Herb Caen's column in the San Francisco Chronicle:
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40, and a photo of his car.

Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.

Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that contained another picture - of handcuffs.

--------------------------------
An oldie but goodie..

Good Luck, Mr Gorsky
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usually common traffic between him, & the other astronauts and Mission Control.
Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark, "Good luck Mr.Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
Just a few years ago, (On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded.
Mr.Gorsky had finally passed away and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.
As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs.Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky: "Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

--------------------------------

Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male, resident of Wilmington, NC, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County Courthouse on Monday.
The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop.
"You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't." He stated in a phone interview from the County Courthouse Jail.
Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate for his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need".
"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the Wilmington Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson.
"I just went up and said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?"
He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?"

----------------------------------

One Smart Redneck!

"Hello, is this the FBI?" "Yes. What do you want?""I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.""Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house."Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?""Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?""Yep.".........."Merry Christmas Buddy"

------------------------------

Letter home

(Now at Camp Pendleton, San Diego, Marine Corps Recruit Training)

Dear Ma and Pa:I am well. Hope you are too. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer that the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but I am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay... practically nothing. Men got to shave but it's not so bad... there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food. Tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you 'til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. ]Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join up before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding on in.


Your loving daughter,
Alice

---------------------------------

How to install a Redneck wireless security system:

Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots ... a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine.

Put a dog dish beside it ... a really big dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like this:"Bubba, Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in 30 minutes. Don't disturb the pit bulls, they've just been wormed."

---------------

The end y'all.